Farmer File

If you have a friend who needs to learn a lesson about his or her dangerous lifestyle, how about this: Make your friend believe he’s been in a coma for ten years.

That’s what comedian Tom Mabe did for a friend who was hospitalized with his fifth DUI.

When the friend awakened after his drunken evening, he found himself in what seemed to be a hospital room, with a fake nurse and doctor coming in and out. Even the TV on the wall was airing a “newscast” with the anchor reporting that “President Hillary Clinton is threatening to attack Canada…”

He asks the drunk, “What’s the last thing you remember? You were out drinking and were in an accident. It happened in 2013. It’s now 2023. You’ve been in a coma for the past ten years.”

The heavy drinker is befuddled until the “doctor” yells at him about his drinking and exposes the hoax.

We don’t know yet whether it worked.  We do know that the YouTube version has had millions of viewers.

Tom Mabe says he made the video to try to discourage others from drunk driving over the Christmas season.

Mabe has become a master at creating phony scenarios to harass telemarketers. He’s one he did:

Caller: “Can I speak with Tom Mabe?”

Tom: Who’s calling?

Caller: “You’ve been selected to receive a digital satellite system…”

Tom: Let me ask, did you know Tom Mabe? Were you a friend?

“No. I’m just calling to offer…”

Hold on. (an aside to others) Hey guys get really good pictures of the body and dust  for prints.) You there caller? You’ve called a murder scene. I’m officer Clarke, conducting a homicide investigation. What was the nature of your business with Tom Mabe?

Caller: “I had no business with him. I’m sorry to have bothered…”

No hang on, stay on the phone. This call has been traced and we may need you to come in for questioning.

Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m just calling…”

No YOU don’t understand. Unless you want to be charged with obstruction of  

justice it’s imperative you keep your BLEEP on the phone.

Caller: “How about you just talk with my supervisor?”

Give me your whereabouts.

Caller: “I’m at work.”

At work? You being a smart BLEEP?

Caller: “No sir.”

Let me put it this way. Say I wanted to mail your BLEEP a letter. What would I have to write on the envelope to make sure the mailman would deliver it to your BLEEP? Geographically speaking, where is work?

Caller: “40 West (BLEEP), Littleton, Colorado.”

Hold on (aside: ‘Get Littleton Police Homicide on the phone. Tell them this guy’s wanted in a fatal shooting and aggravated robbery.’)  Caller, how did you know Mr. Mabe again?

Caller: “Wait. You’re calling the Littleton Police? I’m hundreds of miles away. I don’t even know the guy. I’m in Colorado.”

Have you ever been to his place of residence?

Caller: “NO!”

Tell me again, where were you last night?

Caller: “I’m not feeling real comfortable with any of this.”

Have you ever spoken with Mr. Mabe?

Caller: “NO I haven’t, I don’t even know the guy. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

OK great, just calm down. As you well know Mr. Mabe was a homosexual…were you his gay lover?

Caller: “What? NO! What the BLEEP kind of question is that?”

Not saying I haven’t thought about it myself, you know…(click)  Hello. Hello?

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