Farmer File

Megyn Kelly tells her Fox News viewers that Santa was a white man.

An idiot MSNBC anchor “resigns” amidst an outcry over an unspeakable insult he aired about Sarah Palin.

Alec Baldwin insults everybody, from his 12-year-old daughter to paparazzi pests.

Not long ago Mel Gibson, Kanye West and other dopes were throwing verbal insults, threats and obscenities around like acid rain.

Some dairy farmer in Wisconsin, eager to be hip, hurled a bovine-targeted slur at one of his cows, calling her “Bossy.” Even those old, “Yo Mama’s so fat” aspersions seem to be enjoying a revival.

We know because the pop culture vultures of TV news offer incessant coverage of this parade of the perpetrators of these religious, racial and yes, even agricultural insults and epithets.

TV news makes us think America is awash in rehab, with more clinics than Starbucks and more treatment centers than Taco Bells. Everybody is in attitude rehab except you and me and I’m not sure about you.

A recent example of rehab run amok is the brand name sign on the revolving door at a famous rehabilitation center, conveniently located in downtown Malibu, Calif. The brass plaque reads, “L. Lohan Industries Inc., headquarters: Sodom and Gomorra, Land of Canaan.

Something must be done. I question the efficacy of current rehab for abhorrent behavior by pseudo celebrities.

How did they treat that actor for his anti-homosexual remarks?

Was he required to watch “Brokeback Mountain” a thousand times? Did he have to memorize Jack Twist’s remark, “I wish I knew how to quit you?”

When Mel Gibson blamed Jews for everything from having too many holidays to inventing trans fats, how did rehab help him?

Did he get free lessons in Yiddish so he could insult the police without getting arrested?

Now, if a gentile officer cuffs him, can Gibson scream, “Zolst vaksn als a tsibele miten kop in erd,” which means something like, “You should grow like an onion with your head in the ground?”

I have a better idea— PRE-hab. It’s a pre-emptive strike against having more Americans in rehab than in the work force.

PRE-hab, covered by Obamacare, would begin in pre-school. Kids would learn to use inoffensive names for people, such as “entity,” as in, “Some bleeping entity keyed our car at Costco.”

Our offspring must refer to all white people as “people of the light,” never honky, cracker or redneck. Black and brown people should be called “the hued ones” and leave it at that. Lesbians? Call them “Thespians,” mainly because that’s what I thought the word was until I was about 10 and it never started a fight.

PRE-hab pre-schoolers would be taught two other ironclad ways to avoid rehab later in life:

Always wear underwear, because cameras are in the darnedest places these days. If you are prone to spit slurs at someone different than you, hang out only with your own kind. We all know we can call each other any hateful, hurtful thing we want if it’s our own social, ethnic, religious, gender or age group.

PRE-hab can instill these values in our children. Adult rehab soon would seem as antiquated and archaic as using corn-shuck tea as a malaria cure, snake oil for the croup or using crocodile dung as a contraceptive, as some did in ancient Egypt.

PRE-hab – Don’t leave kindergarten without it.

don@donfarmer.com

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