Farmer File

In this space last week I made some people laugh and some cringe with tales of impolite, impertinent, impossible houseguests at a friend’s beachfront home in Florida.

There’s more, equally true and bizarre. This stuff could be a hit TV reality show. As our friend Jody tells it:

“Some acquaintances from Illinois phoned one day with what they described as good news. ‘We’re here, just arrived with another couple and we want to see you tonight.’”

“Oh I wish we had known, but we have plans tonight, Jody said. “Maybe later in the week?”

“But wait,” the travelers interrupted, “we promised our friends — no, you don’t know them — a ride on your boat.”

So Jody and Garth took them to breakfast.

“They told us all about how they had planned the trip, got off work, got someone to dog sit, so I told them, ‘Next time you’re making plans, call ahead so we can make time for you.”

Said the wannabe guest, “Oh, we don’t do things like that. We’re spur of the moment people.”

Jody and Garth also once got a call from an acquaintance who said, “We just left Ocala and we can arrive at your place this afternoon.”

“That would be nice, but Garth’s cousins are coming this afternoon to stay with us. The caller asked, “How long will they stay?” Jody told him three days, until Friday. He said, “OK then, we’ll come Friday afternoon.”

Shaking her head, Jody remembers one pair of chutzpah-filled houseguests whom she had invited to visit for a weekend.

“They called us and said, ‘If we come in on a flight at 12:12, can you pick us up?’”

“Because the airport is an hour’s drive for us. I asked whether she meant noon or midnight.”

“Midnight.”

Jody said, “You know there are lots of earlier flights,” and she replied, ‘Yes, but it’s more convenient for us this way. We can start our trip after we get off work that evening, fly in late and that way have an extra half day at your place.’”

Jody made the drive to meet their midnight plane, which didn’t arrive until 2:30 a.m.

The visitors then invited another couple who lived 100 miles from Jody and Garth to come stay with them as well at Jody and Garth’s.

“One night the six of us were going to dinner when local friends called. We invited them to join us.”

That annoyed the ‘can-you-pick-us-up-at-midnight?’ couple. The woman said to Jody, “I didn’t come all the way down here to spend time with friends of yours here that I’ll never spend time with in the future.”

Another time a couple Jody and Garth knew slightly invited themselves for the day, but they suddenly decided to stay overnight. Jody said it would be okay.

“Great,” said the visitor, “because after dinner we want to party, and I mean party!”

She then borrowed from Jody a dress, a hair dryer, a hairbrush, toothbrush, shampoo, plus pants and a shirt for her husband.

As they were heading out to party, the woman whispered to Jody, “We have no money.” She said her husband had left his wallet at their previous hotel.

I take it back about this having potential as a reality TV show. Nobody would believe it. We’ve suggested that Jody and Garth move to Key West under cover of darkness and quietly blend in. What happens in Key West...

don@donfarmer.com

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